I am depressed. It's funny because on the outside knowing me, you wouldn't think that would be the case. But I think that's kind of a fallacy that people have. We think that because a person's life seems happy, that the person must be happy. I think that's also a big problem with social media like Facebook or blogs. We forget that we're all human and imperfect.
Anyway, I've been dealing with some pretty severe depression these past few months. I think we all have some form of mild depression within all of us, some kind of dissatisfaction with reality. Some of us just lose the will to fight it sometimes. Lately, I feel like everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, and looked forward to throughout my life has been kind of crushed into smithereens. Hopelessness, that's how they describe depression. A feeling of hopelessness. And it's suffocating and torturous. Trying to be happy when you're not and trying to just make it through the day. The hardest part is waking up sometimes. Not only are you depressed but the depression can be contagious and crippling to the people around you.
I know it has been for me and Kyle. It has definitely been one of the biggest hurdles we've had to overcome together. Kyle loves me deeply and therefore, he hurts when I hurt. Maybe he hurts more. He wants to help me but neither of us know how. Despite it all, the many arguments and constant tears, Kyle tells me he loves me more and more each day and that we will get through this together.
I've decided that I will get through this. I want us to be happy again. I think a big part of overcoming depression is understanding why you're depressed and then trying to be positive. I've been making note of good moments each day and recently, I've noticed there's been more and more. There's a beauty in that, the depression. It forces us to appreciate the little things again.
As a reminder to myself, my good moments this week:
- A couple letting me have a recently vacated parking spot despite the lot being full.
- After an embarrassing emotional meltdown at the movie theater lobby, one of the bartenders offering me a free drink.
- My friend Jaymik sitting next to me while I cried in the lobby. I wasn't alone.
- Emily saying "Tami, you know you're my mommy too right? I love you so much."
- My nephew calling me "the most beautiful, beautiful x100 princess Tami."
- Kyle hugging me a good solid five minutes this morning.
All in all, it's been a pretty good week.
