Mother’s Day

On August 2, 2014, I officially became a stepmother to the most beautiful little girl. It was loving her that ignited a desire for children I didn’t know I had. Kyle and I got pregnant in December that year. I fell in love instantly and spent most of my time imagining our future with our baby. I wanted to wait until the 12 weeks to tell Kyle, but I was too excited. This baby would be born on his birthday according to all the websites. At the end of January, I left work in horrible pain. I spent the rest of that week at home bleeding, crying, blaming and hating myself. Still, we wanted to try for another. At the time, I wasn’t having a menstrual cycle so I never really knew where we stood. Each month I had to test to see if I was pregnant, and each month, my hope would build up just to be shattered. This continued for 2 years and self-hate, depression, and a dangerous fearlessness developed inside me. This was exacerbated by guilt from the cost of and the emotional/hormonal changes of treatment. During my worst, I would imagine myself driving off a bridge. It was time, I decided, to do something for just me and Kyle. Our marriage had been suffering, so I planned a big hiking trip. During that trip, Kyle and I climbed Angel’s Landing, a hike known for its height. A type of hike that I typically would be afraid to do. But not then, not with all my new fearlessness. It’s hard to explain, but there on the top of that rock where I had faced and conquered my fear, I felt God‘s presence with me. “Enough,” I remember thinking. One month later, I found out I was pregnant. Not everyone’s journey is the same, and some never finish that journey. But to all of you: mothers, stepmothers, foster moms, moms who have loss, and moms trying or who tried to conceive, this day is for you. I see you. Happy Mother’s Day.